


Dysphoria

by Anonymous



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Sad Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), and sad, i still don’t know how to tag, idk what other characters will make appearances I’ll fix it later, im sorry, prepare yourselves, this is kind of angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22142095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Ricky hadn’t meant to screw things up. Honestly.
Relationships: Big Red & Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Mike Bowen & Ricky Bowen, Ricky Bowen & Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen & Lynne Bowen, Ricky Bowen & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 20
Kudos: 131
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i had this idea. im sorry in advance. it’s also unedited i’ll fix any mistakes later when it’s not 1am.
> 
> tw: it does feature some form of anxiety, and anxiety attack, so if those are triggering, i suggest you skip out on this.
> 
> it’s not too long, but im just looking out for y’all.

Ricky hadn’t meant to screw up. Honestly. He didn’t try to ruin everything for anyone. Especially not for Nini. Which is why he’d barged into the bathroom, yanked off his shirt, and shoved the red wildcat jersey into EJ’s hands.

He should have known that he’d be no good at this. He wasn’t cut out for theater. He couldn’t just push through with a fake smile planted on his face. Not with the way he felt his breathing pick up when Todd sat down on the other side of his mom. Or the way he felt his heart break when he kissed her. That wasn’t him. He wasn’t this, phenomenal actor, who could pretend that his world wasn’t falling apart. Right in front of his eyes, piece by piece.

This show was supposed to fix everything. But it hadn’t, and he should have known. It only delayed what he feared most. Change.

He stumbled into the dressing room, not even realizing how tightly he clutched the bottom of his shorts. He hadn’t been able to find Nini. But to be honest, he didn’t even try. She had been there once for him, and he appreciated it—really. But now didn’t seem like the appropriate time for him to dump his problems onto her. Not when she had a scout out there watching her perform. She had more important things to worry about than his issues.

The shaking in Ricky’s hands didn’t stop as he pulled on a new shirt. Not when he unclenched his hands from his shorts to find his jeans. It didn’t stop when he bent down to grab his bag or when he reached for the door handle to escape the room, which seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, with every second that passed.

He found he couldn’t steady his breathing no matter how much he tried. Holding his breath had worked for him previously, but it wasn’t this time. He couldn’t seem to steady his breathing to take in enough air. He felt like he was choking, but there was nothing there.

He just felt—stuck.

He leaned against the wall, struggling to calm himself. He hadn’t had felt this way in a long time. It scared him, truthfully. Someone had always been with him when it happened, but this time, he was alone. He wasn’t even sure anyone saw him leave. 

Despite his shaking hands and uneasy breaths, he forced himself to move forward. Staying there, in that school just imagining his mom sitting with that man, would only make it worse. 

He’d just barely made it to the front door, when he heard a familiar voice call his name from the end of the hallway. It echoed slightly, but it only gave him a headache.

”Ricky! Where are you going?”

He didn’t answer.

”Ricky, please. Just talk to me.”

Ricky turned, facing the source of the voice. The sudden movement made him dizzy, but looking at the woman in front of him made him feel sick.

”Leave me alone,” He said, hoarsely, still trying to get his breath back. “I don’t want to talk. Not to you.”

”What?” 

“You heard me.”

She looked, almost mad, which made him angrier. She didn’t even have a right to be mad at him. 

“Ricky, you’re the one who invited me here. I flew from Chicago just because you begged me to come, and now you don’t even want to talk to me?“

He clenched his jaw, in attempt to contain himself, and he gripped the straps of his bag so tight, he didn’t even need to see them to know they were turning white. White, with the pure anger that built up inside of him. She continued to look at him, but he averted his eyes towards the floor.

”I flew out on a last minute flight to see you perform here. Not to watch someone else play your part. Because _you_ asked me to. You’re the one who wanted me to come and you can’t speak to me, or even look at me? I’m your mother, Richard. How is that fair?”

He couldn’t stop himself.

”FAIR?” He yelled, not caring if he could be heard from the gym. “You wanna talk _fair_ to me? How is it fair that you leave for Chicago for _months_ without calling me? How is it fair that you made such a big decision without your own fucking son? How is it fair that you move on like me and dad don’t even exist? Or that you show up to the one thing that mattered to me, and ruin it by bringing some guy I’ve never even met? Some guy who, two weeks after you leave us, is allowed to answer your phone calls. How is any of that fair?” 

“This isn’t about my life, Ricky. This is about you. You called me, asking me if I could come watch you perform, and I did. I came for you.”

”You couldn’t even answer your damn phone calls. Every time I asked you to be here, I had to leave you a voicemail. Every. Time. When did you become so busy that ignoring the one kid that you have is justifiable, huh? I called you on Thanksgiving because I missed you. I shouldn’t have been the one who had to initiate that conversation. It should have been you! You’re the adult, the parent in this situation so why does it feel like I’m the only one trying to put these things back together? It’s like you don’t even care.”

”How can you even say that? I-“

”I know,” he said, trying to steady his shaking voice. “You flew out from Chicago because I begged you to be here. That only goes so far. I shouldn’t have to beg my _mom_ to notice me. Just because you live in a different state doesn’t mean I’m not your son anymore.”

His vision blurred with tears, and he felt a drop of water slide down his cheek. He didn’t even care. 

She stood in shock, seemingly processing the words he spoke. His entire body was trembling this time, not just his hands.

”You’re crying,” she said softly, taking a step closer towards him. It only made him take another step back. 

“Don’t...touch me,” he said, his tone harsh, and steadier than he anticipated, despite his shaking body and rising heart beat. 

“Just let me-“

”No.”

”Ricky, I’m sorry. I am. I didn’t know that you felt that way. I-“

”How could you, mom?” His voice cracked. “I trusted you.”

She but her lip. “I just thought-I don’t know. I thought that if you were happy here, maybe you’d see him as something more than a replacement for you father.”

”I saw you two before we started. You were sitting next to each other smiling. Like nothing had changed. And I thought that maybe, maybe, everything would work it’s way out. But then I saw him, and I froze.”

”Ricky. I know that it’s been hard, but-“

”Do you though? Because if you really understood, you wouldn’t have tried using my feelings as a way to squeeze him into our family.”

He paused, waiting for a response, but was met with nothing.

“When did we stop being good enough? When did _I_?”

”It’s not that, it’s just...” she trailed off.

”It’s just, what?”

Silence.

”Bullshit,” he finished.

Ricky started making his way back towards the exit. 

“Sorry I was such a disappointment,” he said, tears refilling his eyes. This time, when he walked out the door, no one called him back in. 

He fumbled for the car keys, unlocking the door and sat at the wheel. The car was cold, and he watched at the starting rain fell against his windshield. Fitting.

He started the car, and pulled out of the East High parking lot. He was going somewhere, he just didn’t know where yet. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so over dramatic stop making fun of me lmao.
> 
> if y’all have ever read any of my other five i am a sucker for some good angst and whump shit. i know i have a problem. anyway, so if that gives you anything on what to expect for this chapter :)
> 
> sorry, y’all. this was so rushed im not even sure it even flowed together.

_"911, what's your emergency?"_

_"...Hello? Is someone there?"_

_"Are you injured or in danger?"_

* * *

Nini expected a lot of things for opening night. The odds hadn't exactly been in their favor for, well, the entire semester. Accounting for everything that had happened in the last couple months, she prepared herself for the worst possible outcome of the night. Broken props, forgotten lines, missed cues, costume mishaps, last minute cast changes. The works.

That's not to say she wasn't hopeful. She was, but in the unfortunate event something _did_ go wrong, she wanted to be ready.

What she hadn't prepared herself for was the scout from the Youth Actors' Conservatory sitting in the audience amidst the parents and her peers. Just the thought of knowing she was there sent butterflies through her stomach.

In all fairness, Nini knew Kourtney meant well. And she appreciated the fact that she was supporting her in this decision — she did. But a little warning in advance, before she was about to go on stage, would have been nice.

She'd managed to get through the entire first act without messing up completely, but the butterflies in her stomach refused to leave her alone. A day ago she would have felt complete confidence. Over the last couple of weeks, Nini felt like she'd really grown into her part. She felt comfortable.

Ask her now, and you'd find her staring at herself in the mirror, contemplating her worthiness of the role for the past five minutes.

Nini could vaguely hear the beginning of "Getcha Head in the Game" echoing throughout the hallway, but it was quickly drowned out by the loud sound of her heart thumping against her chest.

"I can do this," she said, looking into the mirror. "Everything will be fine. I'm fine. I can do this."

She tried to smile, but the outcome made it look more like a grimace, than an expression of happiness. Or pride. She groaned, letting her head fall into her hands. "I can't do this."

Nini wasn't sure how long she'd been lying in that position, but that's how EJ found her during intermission. Sprawled out across the table in a nervous, miserable heap.

* * *

_He supposed it might have been his fault._

_No, not might, that was being generous._

_It was his fault._

_He should have been watching where he was going._

* * *

"Nini?" EJ's voice shattered through the silence. A slight knock came at the door, followed by a, "Hey, Nini? You in here?"

"Over here," she said meekly, barely lifting her head. Even in her own ears, her voice sounded underwater.

"Nini?" The tone had changed drastically. He sounded frantic, before. Now his voice was only filled with concern. "Are you okay?"

He sat down next to her, placing a wadded, red piece of fabric on the table. "Jesus, Nini. You're shaking."

She inhaled sharply, trying to control her breathing. "I'm fine," she said. "Just, nervous, that's all. Opening night butterflies, you know."

He shook his head, almost as if he was in disbelief. "Try again. You're speaking with an accent. You only do that when you're really anxious. Wanna talk?"

Nini bit her lip. In all the time she spent holding a grudge at EJ for going through her phone, angry for betraying her trust, hating him because he simply wasn't, _Ricky_ ; she'd forgotten how much she cared. Not the "I still have feelings for my ex" type of care. Just simply, care. They had a history, and she couldn't keep running away from that.

She sighed. Maybe talking would help.

"Kourtney. She called up the Youth Actors' Conservatory. I told her I might have been interested a couple weeks ago, but I didn't expect her to call them up and offer them a seat at our show. Much less have them agree to watch me perform."

"The Youth Actors' Conservatory? That really upscale place in Denver?"

She nodded, the weight in her chest still sitting uncomfortably. "I applied, but I never thought they'd accept me, or even consider me. It was just a, I don't know. A stupid decision I made in a moment of self empowerment."

EJ was silent, and for a horrifying moment she thought he might laugh at her. Though, she couldn't really blame him if he did. Nini was nowhere near the level she needed to be in order get in. It was just laughable for her to even try.

"It all makes sense now," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "Oh god, that's why he did it."

"Did what?" Nini asked, knitting her eyebrows together. "EJ. _Who_ did _what_?"

"Ricky. Nini, it's Ricky. He–something was wrong. I don't know what happened but he just froze up at the end of our last number. Whatever it was must have triggered something for him. He walked off before we even finished."

"What do you mean, ' _he walked off_ '?"

"I mean, he didn't finish the first act. He left before the curtains closed. I ran into him in the other dressing room, and–" He unraveled the red fabric that had been in his hand. "He shoved the Troy jersey in my hands and told me that he couldn't ruin it for you. He told me to play his role because he didn't want to screw things up and that I needed to be your Troy. It all makes sense now."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" She said, raising her voice. She hadn't even realized she had.

"I was going to!" EJ said in defense, his voice jumping an octave higher than usual. "But it looked like something was bothering you and I didn't want to put that weight on your shoulders too."

"Well have you seen him?"

"Not since then."

"I'm calling him. He has to be around somewhere."

Not using phones during showtime was like, an unspoken rule between the theater kids at East High. Out of respect for your fellow cast members, everyone unanimously decided that phones stayed in your bags until curtain call was over. Even during intermission. But Nini wasn't concerned about that now. Her friend needed her. She stopped. Friend definitely didn't cut it. They might not have been dating right now, but Ricky had been apart of her life since they were five. He was still important to her, relationship or not.

" _Hey, this is Ricky! Sorry I can't come to the phone now, but feel free to leave a message_.”

The phone beeped.

"Hey Ricky, it's Nini. I don't know where you are, right now. Maybe you just needed space, I don't know. Just, uh, give me a call to let me know you're okay. I’m-we’re worried about you. Please just get back to me as soon as you can. Bye."

"Any luck?" EJ asked, after a moment. He picked up his head from the device in his hand, and looked at her.

She shook her head. "Voicemail. I checked his location, too, and it’s turned off. You?"

"Voicemail."

"It's not like him to just, pick up his stuff and leave without saying anything."

"Maybe he just needed space?"

"EJ, listen. I’ve known Ricky since we were in kindergarten. He would never leave without telling someone where he was going, or without saying goodbye. Unless something was really bothering him. You were the last one to see him before he left. What did he look like?"

EJ stared at her blankly. "Why-"

"Just answer me, please."

"Okay, um, he looked really flustered. He looked upset, and uh. He was breathing really loud and fast, for some reason. If that helps."

"He used to get anxiety attacks," Nini remembered, tapping her finger against her phone. "But he hasn't had one in years. At least that's what he told me. The last time he had one was in eighth grade. His parents were fighting and he-"

"Oh no."

"What does 'oh no' mean?"

"His mom. He invited his mom to watch the show."

"And that's important because..."

"His parents split, dumbass," Nini said, ignoring the hostility in her voice. "His mom lives in Chicago now, with her new boyfriend. He invited her and she probably brought her new fucking boy toy."

Realization dawned on EJ's face. "That's not good."

"I need to find her. She probably knows where he is."

"Nini, we start Act 2 in two minutes."

"Then stall," she said, before slipping out the door.

* * *

_The first thing Ricky noticed was his splitting headache, and the fact that his car was smoking. No. Not his car, their car._

_To his right, Ricky could make out a red car. It was about the size of his, maybe a little longer, but not enough to be noticeable. Coming from the car he could see the smoke billowing out from underneath it._

_Fuck._

_His head throbbed. Probably a concussion, but he didn't know. It hurt to think. He lifted his fingers to the side of his head, where most of the pain was coming from. Instead of finding a bruise, his hands found a sticky liquid. He didn't have to be a medical expert to know what that was._

_The thought made him nauseous, but it settled on the concussion talking for that one. He definitely bruised a rib or two, maybe even broke. He didn't care. His stomach twisted every time he moved, and all that mattered was that he was in pain. A lot._

_He remembered in third grade, when he'd been trying to show Nini a new trick on his skateboard. But instead of showing her a new trick, he'd landed hard on his wrist instead. That move landed him in a cast for two months. Up until now, that had been the worst pain he could imagine. Worst physical pain, anyway._

_He glanced over at the car next to him. Truthfully he couldn't remember much of what happened. The light had turned green, he recalled, and he'd just stepped on the gas, and then nothing._

_His eyesight was blurry, but he was sure he could make out the dull silhouette of an unconscious figure in the front seat._

_Smoke clogged the air. Clogged his lungs. He couldn't breathe. It hurt too much._

_His vision turned orange and all he could see was the red car engulfed in flames._

* * *

Nini found her sitting by the front doors. She was looking down, unaware of Nini’s presence, staring at the bright screen in her hands.

“Uh...Lynn? It’s Nini,” she said, kneeling down next to the woman. Calling her Lynn had been odd. She wasn’t used to calling her ex boyfriend’s mom by her first name, but calling her ‘ _Mrs. Bowen_ ’ didn’t seem appropriate anymore either. “Are you okay?”

“He just...left,” she whispered.

“We’ll get him back.”

“No, Nini, you don’t understand.” She shook her head in defeat. “I made him leave. It was my fault.”

“Look, that doesn’t matter now, okay?” Nini said. “What matters is that we get him back. I tried calling him but it went to voicemail, do you have any idea about where he’d be?”

“I can’t be here, Nini. I should just go back. I need to go back.”

“Back where?”

“Back to Chicago. I just messed everything up here. I shouldn’t have come, I-I need to go.”

“You can’t,” Nini protested. “Your son is gone. He won’t pick up his phone, he turned his location off. As far as we know he’s _missing_. You can’t just leave him.”

“I’m not leaving him!” She argued. “He’s the one who left me. I tried to make him stay and he just, walked out.”

She scoffed. “Do you even hear yourself?” Nini could feel her face growing hot and red. “The whole reason this started was because _you_ left. You left Ricky, and you left his dad and you hardly gave them a warning! And then you just show up again with this new guy and you never even told your own son he’d be here. How can you sit here and blame _him_ for something _you_ started?”

Lynn looked at her incredulously. Part of her seemed angry, but the other part in shock. The Nini from last year, the Nini her son dated, would never have been able to say something like that. Much less to an adult’s face. But that wasn’t important. Someone needed to say it, and if Ricky had said anything, the message clearly hadn’t gone through.

“Look, I don’t have time for this. Whatever you did to Ricky. Whatever you said, made him feel like he wasn’t needed. He couldn’t even finish his show. He told EJ that he couldn’t screw things up for me. He felt like he wasn’t good enough. You made him feel that way. So swallow your self pity, and help me find him.”

“I’m sorry, Nini. I can’t. I have to go.”

“Lynn! Wait—“

The door shut with a loud bang, that rang in her ears a little too long. The sound of footsteps could be heard behind her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look away.

“Nini! Oh my god, we were looking everywhere for you! We need start. We’re already a couple minutes behind schedule, let’s go!”

She didn’t resist against the tight grip around her arm, as they pulled her along towards the gym, but the sinking feeling in her gut wouldn’t budge. She wasn’t prepared for this. At all.

The only thing Nini was certain of today, was that something was very wrong.

* * *

_The smoke continued to burn his throat, making each breath harder to take than the last. Moving wasn’t helping, but he had to get out. The small fire from the bottom of the other car had spread, quickly making its way toward his own wrecked vehicle. Ricky forced the passenger side door open, and painfully crawled his way toward it._

_A wave of nausea washed over him as he crashed to the concrete, but he managed to keep whatever was in his stomach down for the time being._

_For a moment, he just lay there. Throbbing head, aching muscles, burning lungs and all. But the rest was short lived. Faintly, he could hear the sound of a light tapping coming from the drivers side of his car. Whoever had been driving the other vehicle must have woken up. Of course. It had to be just his luck that he couldn’t catch a break._

_His legs didn’t want to work right. As he struggled to stand up, a sharp pain ran through his chest, but he refused to look. Someone needed his help, and that would just serve as a distraction. As much as he hated to admit it, he didn’t deal well with...injuries...so to speak. When he’d broken his wrist, one look at the bone sticking out was enough for him to feel light headed._

_It was a man. Maybe early twenties, not much older than him. He must have gone unconscious again, because the only indication that he was still living was the unsteady breathing coming from his lips. Next to him was a half empty bottle of alcohol._

_The smoke stung his eyes, and the fire felt like it was burning his skin, but Ricky didn’t care. He couldn’t care. Now that he was here he couldn’t just leave the man to burn._

_Getting the seatbelt undone was easy. Dragging him out had been the hard part. The guy must have been at least forty pounds heavier than him, and by no means was Ricky classically strong. Especially not in his current condition. But he managed. By the time he’d gotten them both distanced from the fire, the adrenaline had left his body completely. He collapsed on the side of the road, wheezing._

_His mouth tasted like blood, which he didn’t need a degree to know was bad. Bottom line, he needed help._

_He didn’t know why, but he called Nini first. A normal person would have called 911, maybe their parents, but he didn’t. He found himself dialing her number, and let the phone ring._

_It went to voicemail. He could have expected that. She was in the middle of a show. The show that he’d inadvertently ruined for her._

_“Hey Nini,” he said, coughs rattling his body. “I know I messed up. I’m sorry. I never should have-I put you in a bad position. A true friend never would have done that. It’s my fault that the show was ruined. I just-I’m really really sorry.”_

_He paused, taking a shaky breath. “It probably doesn’t mean much anymore, but I need you to know that I love you. I have kicked myself everyday for not saying it back that day you told me you loved me. I didn’t say it then, but I am now.”_

_He coughed again, this time blood splattering to the ground. “Fuck,” he whispered. “I don’t think I have a lot of time left, but god I love you so much, Nina Salazar-Roberts. I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you. You deserved better than what I could give you. You deserve better than what I can give you. EJ’s a good guy. He loves you, a lot. You deserve that.”_

_He wanted to pass out. But he couldn’t do that. Not yet. “Tell my dad I love him for me, okay? Tell him. Plea-”_

_The phone went dead before he could even hang up himself. His vision was going cloudy, but he forced himself to stay awake. He needed to do one last thing._

_He dialed 911._

_“911. What’s your emergency?”_

_He tried to speak, but nothing came out.  
_

_“...Hello? Is someone there?”_

_”Yes,” he managed to whisper. His voice sounded a million miles away.”_

_”Are you injured or in danger?”  
_

_”Car accident,” he mumbled, struggling to keep his eyes open._

_”Can you tell me where you are?”_

_He couldn’t do this._

_”Sir, can you give me your location?”_

_She continued to talk, asking him questions. Trying to get a response, but he couldn’t. Everything hurt. He vaguely heard the operator asking him to stay on the line, before he let her voice lull him into unconsciousness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is shit. it do be kinda long tho, huh.
> 
> if you’re only a reader, and not a writer, authors do not tell you how fucking annoying the writing process is. i had this chapter complete almost a month ago, not long after i finished the first part. i had an entire 1000 word chapter ready to be published, and after rereading it i deleted the entire fucking thing and started over from scratch. i hated it that much.
> 
> like i said before, this chapter was super overdramatized. i don’t think there’s much in ricky’s plot of this chapter that’s even remotely realistic, but it’s fine. 
> 
> i didn’t want to make ej a bad guy. i really do think he and nini liked each other a lot, and i think it’s important to include that. i mean, im not saying what he did was okay, but you don’t sabotage someone’s role for someone you don’t like. he clearly cared about her before, even if he fucked up big time in the show. 
> 
> anyway, that’s it i think. 
> 
> im debating on letting this be the end, and letting you decide what happens or just conclude with a third part. idk. i guess it really depends how i feel on this later. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed.
> 
> sorry i like torturing my favorite characters. im working on it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt edited at all, so if there are any mistakes, i apologize in advance. also, idk i just feel like it’s overall shit in general, but it’s fine.

Truthfully, the entire second act had gone by in a blur, and not in a good way. At the beginning of the day, Nini had woke up, hoping this would be a day she could savor forever. Her first, real, lead role. She spent the morning staring at herself in the mirror throwing herself compliments, like her own hype girl. She was confident this morning. Crazy how things could switch up so fast.

Of all the things to go wrong tonight, Ricky going missing was not something Nini had written down on her "Opening Night" bingo board. She couldn't stop worrying. It wasn't like him to ignore his phone. And even though he had a track record of leaving abruptly in the middle of something important, this wasn't like him either. Throughout the second act, she felt herself simply going through the motions. She said her lines, did her dances, sang her song numbers, and took a bow as she should, but the smile on her face as she stood hand in hand with her classmates, hid the fact that she was actually terrified.

The moment the curtain closed and they were sent off to the dressing rooms, Nini wasted no time, making a beeline for the phone that lay face down on the table. She picked it up, her hands shaking, and read the notification that lit up her screen.

" _1 missed call: Ricky Bowen_ "

That was good, right? He called her back which means he must of gotten her message. So then why did a feeling of dread wash over her body, as she started at the alert.

"Nini?" She heard Gina's voice around the corner, and she quickly shut her phone off. Looking up, her eye's met the other girl's.

"EJ is looking for you. He said it was important," Gina said, furrowing her eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

Nini cleared her throat rather loudly. "Um, yeah!" she said, plastering a fake smile onto her face. "Just, kinda sad and a little relieved it's over, you know?"

Gina walked towards her, eyebrow raised. "That was a lie. Something's bothering you. Is that why EJ wanted to talk to you?"

"I'm not lying."

"We're both actresses, Nini. I can tell when you're faking it. Cut the crap. Is it about Ricky?"

"N-no? Why-why would you think that?"

Gina sighed, staring at her with a look of what almost looked like hurt. "Because I know him better than you think, Nini. This show meant everything to him, he wouldn't just leave like that if he was fine."

Nini bit her lip, trying to keep her composure. She couldn't break down right now, not like this. "You know, I tried calling him during intermission. I left him a voicemail, but he didn't pick up right away."

"Has he answered?"

She nodded. "I haven't opened it yet. I don't know, I just...I have this feeling that something is wrong."

"Well, you won't know unless you open the message, now, will you?" Gina asked. She hesitated for speaking again. "Do you want me to leave?"

Nini shook her head. "Uh, no you can stay. It's fine, it actually might be better to have someone around, you know?"

She unlocked the phone, and looked at the unopened voicemail for a few seconds before clicking play, and bringing the speaker to her ear.

"Hey Nini." He coughed. Usually it wouldn't set off red alarms in her head, but he sounded sick, like he was struggling to breathe. Nini knit her eyebrows together as she continued listening. "I know I messed up. I'm sorry. I never should have-I put you in a bad position. A true friend never would have done that. It's my fault that the show was ruined. I just-I'm really really sorry."

She could feel tears threatening to pour down her face, and she wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, before she remembered that he wasn't actually there next to her. He paused, and she could hear the shaky inhale and exhale of his breathing. That wasn't good.

"It probably doesn't mean much anymore, but I need you to know that I love you. I have kicked myself everyday for not saying it back that day you told me you loved me. I didn't say it then, but I am now."

"Ricky..." she whispered, not loud enough for Gina to hear, but her voice still cracked. He coughed again, and this time it was like he was coughing something up, and it seemed to rock his entire body. That was it. She frantically waved to Gina, motioning for her to come to her.

"Fuck. I don't think I have a lot of time left, but god I love you so much, Nina Salazar-Roberts. I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. You deserved better than what I could give you. You deserve better than what I can give you. EJ's a good guy. He loves you, a lot. You deserve that."

"Nini, what is it?" Gina asked, her voice shaking in obvious worry. "Nini what's going on? What did he say?”

"Tell my dad I love him for me, okay? Tell him. Plea-"

The phone cut off, and the voicemail ended. Nine's hands shook as she set her phone down.

"Nini, you're trembling. What did he say?"

"I-I need to go," she whispered, quickly gathering her things. "I'm sorry, I just-I'll text you later."

"Nini-"

She didn't hear the rest of the sentence. By the time her name had left Gina's mouth, she was already out the door and running down the hall.

"Please pick up, please pick up," she muttered breathlessly. "For the love of god, Ricky, please pick up the phone."

"Hey, this is Ricky! Sorry I can't come to the phone now, but feel free to leave a message."

"Fuck."

She pushed her way through the crowd of parents and students standing the lobby, and locked eyes with her moms. Under any other circumstance, Nini would have happily taken the chance to hug them, and talk about the show, but small talk was the last thing she wanted to engage in right now. Her friend was missing, possibly in danger. Chatting about the musical and nitpicking every mistake she made from start to finish was not on her list of priorities.

"Nini, you look flustered," Carol said, worry etched in her voice. "You okay?"

"Have you seen Ricky's parents anywhere?" she asked, ignoring the question.

"I thought I saw his dad talking to that drama teacher of yours near the gym, why?"

"I need to tell him something important–"

Her mom frowned. "What's so important that it can't wasn't until later? I'm sure he'll want to spend the rest of the night with his son, Nini. Give him that."

Outside, the wail of sirens echoed through the dark streets. She ignored them and shook her head furiously. "That's why I need to talk to him, where did you say he was again?"

"Ricky? That's why you need to talk to him? What about Ricky?"

"Mom, I love you but we're wasting precious time so just, please let me talk to him."

She didn't seem happy, about it, to say the least, but she nodded her head, and motioned in the direction that she'd last seen Ricky's dad. Nini tried not to run, but the further from the crowd she got, the faster her legs moved.

Rounding the corner, she almost ran directly into Mike Bowen, who looked like he'd been running around quite a bit too.

"Oh good, Nini, I'm so glad I found you. I've been looking for Ricky everywhere and I was hoping you'd seen him. I've tried calling his cell but he didn't pick up, and I'm worried. His mom hasn't been answering either."

"Mr. Bowen, you need to get home right now, or call the police or something," she said, breathing heavily. "He ran out, earlier. something to do with Lynn bringing her boyfriend. I ran into her earlier and she said he left and then not long ago I got a voicemail from him saying that he was sorry, and that he didn't think he had a lot of time or something. I didn't know what to do so I came looking for you and–" 

"He said he didn't have much time?"

"He didn't sound good, Mr. Bowen. I-I think he's in trouble."

Mike Bowen didn't waste any time running straight for the exit, and to his car. Nini followed, ignoring her moms' confused remarks as she ran past them for a second time. She felt horrible, but she could make it up. She had no idea what would happen if she chose ignore Ricky's call.

She climbed into the passenger seat next to Ricky's dad without a word. He didn't ask questions, just started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. Nini tapped her finger on the side of her phone as she sat quietly. A police car with its blinding lights pulling up behind them, and Mike pulled to the shoulder of the road. The vehicle sped past them, which only made her heart sink further into her stomach. Ricky's father used the time as an opportunity to take out his phone and dial the 3-digit number. She listened, as the man next to her made the phone call.

"Hi, this is Mike Bowen. My son, Ricky, he's missing. I don't know where he is and he didn't inform me about his whereabouts. He left a voicemail on a friend's phone that said he didn't have much time? I don't really know what that means but I just, can you send someone to my house. I need to know if he's okay."

The desperation in his voice was enough to break Nini's heart. No parent should ever have to make that phone call.

"My address?" Mike Bowen asked, pulling back onto the road, one hand on the steering wheel, and the other holding the phone up to his ear. "977 S 900 E, Salt Lake City, Utah."

He went quiet for a second, before thanking the dispatcher on the other end of the line, and hanging up the phone.

Ahead, Nini could see the red and blue lights of several cop cars flashing through the dark. As they got closer, Mike Bowen quickly stepped on the brake pedal. A short line of cars prevented them from going any further, as well as a roadblock. Nini couldn't make out much from the angle she was at, but what she could see was a cloud of smoke billowing from a car, which had smashed into the driver's side of another, slightly smaller car.

"Can you see what's happening?" she asked, bouncing her leg anxiously.

"Looks like a pretty bad car accident," he said, turning off the ignition. "Stay here Nini, I'll be right back."

She nodded nervously, and watched as the man got out of the car. Her heart pounded loudly as he disappeared behind another car. Just their luck, getting stuck on the road when they actually have somewhere to be.

Minutes passed, and that's when she grew concerned about Mike. He had said he would be right back, but he wasn't. Nini set her things on the floor next to her feet, and climbed out of the car, and into the brisk autumn air. It was chilly, but her jacket was in her bag, and quite honestly that was the least of her worries at the moment. She followed the direction Ricky's dad had gone in, only to be met with the man arguing with the officer standing at the barricade. She knit her eyebrows together in confusion. He was clearly in distress, but he hadn't been before which meant...Nini's heart sank. "No," she whispered, running forward to get a better view of the wreck in front of her. "Oh god."

Just a few meters away from her, was the familiar dark blue Honda he drove, smashed inward on the driver's side. The car that had supposedly caused the crash, continuing to smoke profusely. Nini's mouth fell open, her mouth, her entire body, trembling. It couldn't be real. She was dreaming, it couldn't be. It was. It all made sense. The storming out, the voicemail. Not answering his phone. Of course she'd been worried before that something was wrong, but she'd been expecting something much different than this. With how he'd been hit, it would be a miracle that he even got out.

She scanned the rest of the site, her eyes settling on an ambulance near the side of the road, and group of frantic paramedics surrounding a figure lying in the grass. She couldn't make out who it was. Was it him? Was it the other guy? Either way, her breath caught.

"I don't care if it's dangerous!" She vaguely heard Mike Bowen shouting at the officer. "I don't care if it's restricted that-my son is over there! You have to let me go over there, he's-i need to at least know if he's okay!"

"I'm sorry sir, but civilians aren't permitted to go over there. I'm sorry."

"Please," the man begged, "Please, just let me see him."

"Sir, I don't even know if the man over there is your son. There were two victims at the scene when we arrived, and one left just a couple minutes ago in an ambulance. Your son could already be on his way to the hospital. I'm not going to ask you to step back again." The officer pushed Mike Bowen back again, but he swatted the man's hand away.

"Screw that," he growled, shoving the officer to the side, making a run for it towards the group of paramedics on the other side of the street. The officer tried to grab him, but he was already just out of reach. Nini used the momentary distraction to duck under the barricade and run after Ricky's dad.

She heard the angry shout of the police officer behind her but she didn't care. Just as she approached the scene, she watched as the paramedics whisked away a still body on a stretcher. The body with the all too familiar Vans high tops, denim jacket and mess of curly brown hair.

"Ricky..." His dad murmured, visible tears leaking from his eyes. "No...I...this is all my fault. I should have told him, I should have-”

All Nini could do was watch in horror as they wheeled him into the back of the ambulance. Ricky. Of all people, the one person she was still very much in love with, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

“You should go with him,” she whispered, placing her hand on his dad’s arm gently.

“But the car–”

“Don’t worry about the car, I can meet you at the hospital. You should hurry,” she said, gesturing to the paramedic who was shutting the doors.

He gave Nini a quick nod of gratitude, before running towards the closing doors. She watched for a moment, as the ambulance drove off. The lights blazing in contrast to the dark night, and the wails of the sirens filling the air. Usually they didn’t bother her. Today, that sound would haunt her forever.

Her legs felt like spaghetti, as she made the short walk back to the abandoned car. Most people had turned around already, finding a detour to go around the accident. Nini leaned forward in the driver’s seat of Mike Bowen’s car, resting her forehead on the steering wheel, gripping it so tightly her knuckles turned white. She had to stop trembling. She couldn’t drive to the hospital when her limbs wouldn’t cooperate with her.

“Five things you can see,” she whispered, lifting her head. “A tree, a stoplight, a car, a police officer and the stars.”

_Four things you can touch._

_Three things you can hear._

_Two things you can smell._

_One thing you can taste._

She exhaled, closing her eyes. She was going to be okay. Someone else needed her right now, and she was going to be okay. She turned the key, and slowly backed away from the scene. _We’ll be alright,_ she thought. _We have to be._

When she got to the hospital, the first person she saw was Ricky’s dad sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, holding his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking slightly, indicating that he was probably crying.

“Mr. Bowen?” She asked, standing awkwardly next to him, too afraid to sit down in fear of scaring the man. “It’s Nini.”

He looked up, his eyes red and puffy. He motioned for her to sit down next to him, so she did.

“Is he gonna be okay?” She whispered, tears stinging her eyes. She hadn’t really had much time to process everything that happened, and it was finally beginning to hit her.

He didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know.”

“He will be.”

“You know they lost him twice? Once before they had gotten him in the ambulance and the again on the way here,” he murmured, almost as if he was talking to himself. “I watched-I watched him flatline right there in the back of the ambulance and I couldn’t even do anything about it. I just, I had to sit back and watch as his heart stopped beating.”

Nini was silent. Nothing she could ever say would make things ‘okay’. Not after something as traumatic as that. Instead, she simply leaned her head against his shoulder in an act of sympathy. To show him that he wasn’t alone, even if she couldn’t express it in words. Somehow after all those years being friends with Ricky, then boyfriend/girlfriend, and eventually exes, she’d forgotten how much like family the Bowen’s were to her.

“He really loved you, you know,” Mike said. “He was convinced that you were the one. He adored you.”

 _I did too. I still do,_ she wanted to say, but she was afraid her voice would catch.

“Thank you for being here, Nini. I know things haven’t been the same since you two broke up, but I appreciate it. You didn’t have to come.”

“I wanted to come,” she said, surprised her voice still worked.

“You know, his mom won’t even show up. She’s scared that when he comes out, he won’t want to see her.” He shook his head and laughed. A dry, humorless laugh. “Her son is in the hospital as a result of her fuck up and she still somehow makes it about herself.”

He went quiet again, and that’s when Nini finally let herself break. He wrapped an arm around her protectively, like a dad comforting his daughter and she cried on his shirt sleeve. She felt horrible. He shouldn’t have to comfort her. His son is the one on that operating table, she should be the one comforting him, and that just made her cry harder.

She didn’t remember falling asleep, but she woke up to Mike Bowen gently shaking her shoulder. She blinked tiredly, her vision finally coming back into focus.

“The doctor’s coming,” he said, gesturing to the woman walking toward them.

“Are you the family of Ricky Bowen?” she asked, staring at the two of them.

“Yes, I’m his father,” Mike said, standing up. “Will he be okay? Is he okay?”

“It was a bit of touch and go for a while, I won’t lie,” the doctor said. Her name tag read “Dr. Alvez”. “But, he’s stable now, and resting up in Room 317.”

“Can we see him?” Nini asked, sitting up.

“You can, but it’s going to be a while before he wakes up. He went through a lot of trauma, and I wouldn’t expect him to wake up for at least another five hours. I’ll warn you, he may be disoriented when he does wake up.”

“Thank you so much, Doctor,” Mike said, his body sagging in relief.

“Don’t thank me,” she said. “I was just doing my job. Your son’s a fighter, Mr. Bowen.”

He smiled, a genuine smile. “Yeah, he is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anywayyyy, after almost 9 months i finally updated ahaha😅. lemme tell you, it took me MONTHS to come up with this shit. writer’s block is an absolute bitch and i’m still not sure i like it. i only found motivation to write this chapter because hsmtmts is coming back soon lol. college is kicking my ass.
> 
> i didn’t like ricky’s car in canon so i changed it.
> 
> one more chapter just to wrap things up. it probably won’t be long, but yeah. i hope you enjoyed :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter guys :) *unedited by the way*

When Ricky woke up the first time, the white room was empty, aside from the sleeping figure in a chair that was situated in the corner of the room. He couldn’t make out exactly who it was, as he was already fighting sleep. He stayed awake just long enough for the nurse to catch him.

“Hey you,” she said, smiling. “Good to see you finally awake. How do you feel?”

“Tired,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, it’s actually quite normal for patients to wake up for a few minutes before falling back asleep. Don’t worry about it.”

He nodded slowly, feeling darkness creep into his vision.

“Who’s that,” he said, motioning his head to the figure in the chair.

“Your dad,” the nurse said. “He refused to leave until you woke up. Not even to eat. He wanted to be here for you when you did come to. He sent that dark haired girl home though. She didn’t seem to happy about that.”

“That would be Nini,” He smiled at her name. “My gir–my friend.”

The nurse let out a small laugh. “She really didn’t want to leave. I can tell she cares about you a lot.”

He nodded slowly, closing his eyes. The beeping of the monitor pulling him closer to unconsciousness.

“Get some more rest. You need it.”

* * *

The second time Ricky woke up, his dad was still situated in the corner chair. This time he was awake, looking at something on his phone. At his side, sitting on a different chair was Nini, who’d fallen asleep with her head resting on the edge of his bed.

He shifted, trying not to wake her. He succeeded in not disturbing her, but the creak of his bed got the man’s attention, and he promptly looked up from his phone. Ricky could see the sigh of relief he took, before walking over to him.

“Hey Rick,” he said. “How you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a car,” he groaned, yawning.

“I was so scared,” his dad said, reaching for his hand and promptly squeezing it reassuringly. “No one knew where you went, no one called. We just, started driving home and on the way there...”

“Sorry. For scaring you. I didn’t mean to.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize, it wasn’t your fault. I’m just so glad you’re awake. The nurse told me you’d woken up for a couple minutes a few hours ago but I fell asleep before you did.”

Ricky glanced over at Nini. “When did she come back?”

“About an hour ago. I told her to go home to eat something and get some rest. Looks like she only did one of those things. She was worried about you. She didn’t even hesitate to come with me when you weren’t answering your phone. It’s like she knew something was wrong.”

Ricky hummed in response. “Did you stay here the whole time?”

“Yeah. I, um, well I rode in the ambulance with you, stayed by your side until they took you into surgery. You really, gave us a scare. You almost died. Well you did, actually. In the ambulance. Twice. But, you’re okay now, so that’s all that matters,” He rambled.

“I...died?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Cool.”

“Well, it wasn’t so cool then, but I guess it can be cool now.”

Ricky laughed. “It’s like you said. I’m okay now and that’s all that matters, right?”

His dad just shook his head, though Ricky could see the smile he was trying to hide.

“Go get something to eat, Dad. The nurse said you wouldn’t even leave to eat.”

He looked at him hesitantly, as if scared of leaving.

“I’ll be right here when you get back, okay? Just eat something. Both of us don’t need to wind up in a hospital bed.”

“Okay, okay, I’m going. Love you, Ricky,” he said, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead.

“Love you dad.”

Right after his dad left, he felt the girl next to him stir. He looked over at her, both making eye contact with each other.

“Oh my god,” she said breathlessly. “Oh my god, you’re awake. You’re okay.”

He smiled. “Yeah, back and better than ever.”

“You almost didn’t make it.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“They say you saved that guy,” she said. “He would have died if you didn’t drag him out of the car. He was driving drunk, and just...wasn’t watching where he was going. He’s already been charged with a DUI.”

“Serves him right,” he muttered. “I can’t believe I risked my life for a drunk driver who almost killed me.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. I think death would have been too easy. I mean, he wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of his actions.”

“That’s true.”

They both fell silent, as if waiting for the other to say something. If they’d been together, this would have been easy, but now that they were broken up, he wasn’t sure how exactly to carry on the conversation. He stared at the monitors, watching the green line move across the screen.

“So...” he tried, looking back at her. “How was the musical?”

Nini looked at him, unamused at his lame attempt to keep the conversation going. “Really? You’re in a hospital bed as a result of a fatal car accident and you want to talk about the musical?”

He frowned. “Well, I guess? I don’t know. I just feel bad for running out at half time–”

“Intermission. It’s called intermission in musical theater.”

“Intermission, Halftime. Same difference. Anyway, I just feel bad for ruining your show.”

“You didn’t ruin it. I mean, I would have preferred acting with you up there for the second act, but you didn’t ruin it.”

“Oh,” he said, almost disappointed. “You mean there was no dramatic like, behind the scenes or anything. No dramatic, ‘EJ is playing Troy now’ reveal?”

Nini laughed, shaking her head. “Ricky, that’s the point of an understudy. To fill the role of the lead if need be. Well, actually in real theater that would be the standby’s job, but seeing that we don’t have one of those, EJ filled the part.”

“That’s good.”

They fell silent again. Nini’s eyebrows were knit in concentration, as if she wanted to say somety isn’t but couldn’t figure out how to put it into words. He thought it was cute when she did that.

“So,” she finally said, biting her lip. “I’ve had a lot of time to think while you were...unconscious.”

He looked at her earnestly, curious as to where this conversation was going.

She sighed. “I got to thinking, and I realized that, um. I realized that I still really care about you, and when you were being whisked away on the stretcher...I don’t know. I just...I didn’t want my last experience with you to be,” she paused, searching for the right word. “I didn’t want it to be fake? You know? I was so scared of losing you, and I’m scared that if something happens again, I will have missed my chance.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that I need you, in my life. Whether it’s as friends or as a couple, I just. I need you. When your dad told me that they’d almost lost you in the ambulance, I felt like i couldn’t breathe. Even when we were broken up, I knew you’d still be there. But in that moment, I was terrified that the last image I’s have of you was you lying bloody on that stretcher. I was terrified of living in a world that doesn’t have you in it.”

A tear slipped down her cheek. “I still love you, Ricky. And I know it’s always been hard for you to say it back, so you don’t have to, but I do. And I’m willing to wait for you, however long it takes. And if you just want to be friends that’s okay too. I just, I don’t want to lose you the way I almost did yesterday.”

He sat, shocked at what he’d heard. He couldn’t find his voice to form the words he wanted to, so instead he leaned forward, wiping the tear off her face, subsequently lifting her chin and placing a light kiss on her lips.

“I love you, too, Nini Salazar-Roberts. I never stopped loving you. And I never, want to lose you again. I let you go the first time, and I’ve kicked myself everyday for not knowing how lucky I was when I did have you.”

She smiled, more tears forming in her eyes, but this time out of happiness, rather than sadness or fear. “So what does that make us?”

“Anything you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of short, at just under 1.5k words, but I hope you liked it. that’s the end folks. the end or an era. took me a year to finish such a short story, but we finally made it.   
> i hope you liked reading it, sorry to keep y’all waiting.   
> i also wrote a one shot called “driver’s license”, which i wrote after liv released her song. i posted it a few days ago if you wanna check it out. i know i have this under anon, but my @ is ellegreenaways. i just didn’t want people i know to necessarily read this is i just put it under the anonymous collection.   
> thanks for sticking with me for so long, I really appreciate it !! I post on @ellegreenaways for other fandoms as well, so if you like criminal minds, voltron or avatar the last airbender(mostly if you like spencer reid, keith and zutara), you can check out some of the works i have up for them. i also write a little bit for the mcu as well !!   
> if you wanna stay in contact with me, my tumblr is @sourstiless. im fairly active in all my fandoms there.

**Author's Note:**

> when you’re a senior in high school and still can’t write for shit...
> 
> people say he seemed like he was having a panic attack at the end, or an anxiety attack. i did some research on the differences between the two, and it seemed to fall more under the anxiety column. 
> 
> i only experienced something like this once, though, so if you feel that it is more of the first option, then you can interpret it that way. the one experience i had with an incident like this was actually terrifying. i was texting with a friend, and suddenly my heart was racing, and i was shaking and i didn’t know what was happening. it just came over me all at once, and since it’s not something i deal with normally, i didn’t know what to do. it only lasted for a few minutes, but it was still scary. 
> 
> it showed up with no warning. i was just lying in bed texting my friend. 
> 
> anyway, i feel so bad for ricky, and he honestly didn’t deserve that. i don’t know what the hell his mom was thinking. like he hasn’t even met the guy yet. this was supposed to be something special for him, and she ruined it. 
> 
> in conclusion, ricky deserves better.
> 
> the angst is not over though. im still a sucker for angst.


End file.
